"If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared." (Psalm 130:3-4)
"Keeping a record of sins (or holding a grudge) is like building a wall between you and another person, and it is nearly impossible to talk openly while the wall is there. God doesn't keep a record of our sins; when he forgives, he forgives completely, tearing down any wall between us and him. Therefore, we fear (revere) God, yet we can talk to him about anything. When you pray, realize that God is holding nothing against you. His lines of communication are open." (YouVersion devotional)
So my question of the day: what if we're still in the business of building walls? I have the same issues of forgiving others as the next person - it's hard! But I do believe I'm come to a point when I'm healed that all I can see in a transgressor is how God has used that for my benefit. How can I be angry at that? Wall down!
Rather, my issue stems from rebuilding walls between myself and God. God keeps tearing them down, reminding me I'm forgiven. And I keep rebuilding them. As if I'm telling God - "seriously, are you sure you forgive me for this?" And it's not as if I'm out committing crimes - but I consider things sinful for me that aren't sinful for others. Exhibit a - full confession of a binge eater. I have this terrible relationship with food, and I can't ever seem to really enjoy it, because every bite feels guilty. This is a wall I daily rebuild between myself and God. (Last time I checked, we have to eat everyday).
"If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand?" And yet, I still list of all my faults and ways I've screwed up and ways I'm not perfect. And I never seem to forget them, and I'm quick to remind myself and others of how I'm not good enough. The truth is, I keep doing this to myself, and it cuts my legs right out from under me. How can I stand when I continually list my imperfections, despite being perfectly aware that there is only ONE perfect person to walk this earth (his name was Jesus, fyi).
I think these walls we're constantly rebuilding, even as God takes them down, are the daily struggles. The big events (see heart surgery) are almost more tolerable because they're so extraordinary. It's our mundane, daily, absurdly normal routines that threaten to wear our relationship with God away.
Again, I've got to bring it back to love. God tears down these walls so he can love us perfectly, completely, wholly. He has torn down the walls, and 'His lines of communication are open'. WE are the ones who keep closing off our communication with God. He wants us to know how he loves us, and we think we're unworthy of that love. Yes, we are. BUT, that's why Jesus died on the cross for us.
Romans 5:8 - But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.