Monday, October 3, 2011

Duh. Or D'oh?

My positive and determined outlook did not last as long as I'd hoped. I made it 4 hours (into my 12-hour work day) before melting down again. I'm not even sure now why I keep melting/breaking down. Maybe I got my expectations raised too high with this promotion - and I'm still being treated like the intern. I confess I yet again indulged in a fair amount of self pity. (Oddly enough, I am very productive when I am so pitiful!)

I went outside to run some lunchtime errands (and by run I mean walk, and by walk I mean limp). It was a pleasant dry brisk day outside...but at least the urge to run off through the hills was tempered every time I stepped with my left foot. Had some time to get away from my computer and think though. I was rattling my brain, "What can I do to fix this? What can I do to mend these relationships?"

Duh. I kept thinking "What can I do" - when I realized I can't do anything. I can't do anything but pray and let Him fix the situation, soften the hearts, open the doors.

I confess my prayer life has been abysmal of late. (And of late, I mean for at least the duration of the summer, and if I'm honest, probably about a year). I felt like a prayer superstar going into surgery last year. Now, I've somehow turned into a person who earns things, instead of remembering they're all freely given. I've turned into a person who relies on human conventions and distractions, and not a person who relies on prayer and hope.

How did I get here? How did I go from that emotional apex and physical trauma to an almost marathoner who's an emotional basketcase? That's probably a much longer post that I'm still figuring out. But I clearly need to be broken again to remember that I rely on God and not myself. Maybe this is the 'D'oh!' part: more brokenness to come.

Is it lame that I thought heart surgery was easier than this? Don't answer that.

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