It's been well over a week now of broken foot. I'm beginning to think that running injuries might follow something similar to the stages for grieving...
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Step One: Denial.
"It's just a little ache! That's what the foam roller is for. Just a few more tylenol, sleep it off, you'll be fine for tomorrows long run."
Step Two: More Denial.
Saturday morning's long run rolls around and you can't walk to your shoes, let alone put them on. In this phase of full-blown denial, you complete the Saturday morning pre-run ritual in its entirety, limping all the while. It's not until you're on the trail, three miles away from your car, that you let the truth finally sink in: there's really something wrong here.
Step Three: The World Revolves Around ME!
Three miles away from your car, you're stuck on the trail - in the rain, wind, and cold - and you're weighing the options between taking an hour to limp back to the car, run as fast as you can through the pain because the weather out here stinks, or call your Mom and beg her to come pick you up. You eventually settle on a 50/50 and run track-pace miles in between limping pathetically. You call mom once you're back to the car anyway. "Mom, can you please cancel your Saturday plans? I'm a grown up now, but I'm acting like a three year old who was just told he can't have a puppy." You spin the ER trip as "quality time" and drag her there with you. When you arrive, you make sure you let everybody know that you're running a marathon at the end of the month.
Step Four: Whining.
"What do you mean no running for a week?! Maybe longer??" With a strict no-running rule (and the threat of further damage to your injury), you're disgusted at everyone enjoying running while you can't. Your previous running clubs, dailymile website, twitter - you're struggling unsuccessfully to resist the temptation to whine about how unfair and heartbreaking it is that you're not running your race. To everyone who inquires about your injury, you insist on reminding them that you were running a marathon. In fact, whenever anyone says anything that is REMOTELY related to a running activity (e.g., "nice weather!" or "I hear there's a sale at REI", "want to go camping?", or "Hi."), you begin monolog-ing on how you've got this heartbreaking running injury, and you can't do anything, whine, whine, whine...
Step Five: Bargaining.
Your race date is fast approaching. Will you still try? You worry about losing all that careful training you've painstakingly built over the past several months. Ok, you admit there's no way you're running it... but what if you walk it? Can you walk 26.2 miles in an aircast? Is there any reality in which that is a good idea? But this was going to be a big race for you! You fundraised for it! Maybe you should try anyway. But what if you make the problem worse? You contemplate the options while you've got an ice pack on your elevated broken foot.
Step Six: Dawning Realization.
With all of this new-found free time, you are inexplicably getting more sleep, are less tired, and have more time for other things that you remember you used to enjoy. You're slowly getting out of the habit of "I can't eat that, I'm going to run in an hour/tonight/tomorrow morning." You have lost the superpower of eating carbs on par with the national output of rice in China, but surprisingly you're not half-starved all the time either. You have time to read now?? And suddenly all that time with the foot immobile has turned into a pleasant excuse to read all afternoon. Instead of heading to the track or gym, you find yourself very satisfied at the prospect of dinner and beer/wine with friends.
---
I'll have to pause my Runner's Stages of Grief here, as this is about the step I'm on now. I suspect this stage might segue into paranoia (I'll never run again/miss more races/am dying, etc.) while I'm still hopeful and eagerly anticipating a glorious pain-free run in the future.
Have you been injured? What steps would you add?
Monday, October 10, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Thankful for: Friday
There are always lame things that happened in your day or your week. Keeping these lame things from making you lame means not focusing on your problems, and refocusing on what you're thankful for. I had a lot of opportunity this week to continue my focus on how 'everything sucked'. Instead, what I was so upset about last week has turned out for my benefit this week. I'm going to keep this simple tonight, and just write on my lame/gain:
Lame - I was stuck working on somebody else's project all week, doing less-than-glamourous work for them, while my own projects fell behind.
Gain - Turns out, I learned a lot about the people and processes that were important for my project by working on someone else's project.
Lame - Stress Fracture. No Running. Sad face.
Gain - I've had tons more time and energy. I would normally be worrying about my Saturday long run on a Friday night, but instead was able to enjoy pizza and wine with some friends.
Lame - Did I just break my nose?? (again???)
Gain - But it was giving my little 8-year-old a cousin a kiss good night (and his forehead tried to help..). <3
What was your lame to gain this week?
Lame - I was stuck working on somebody else's project all week, doing less-than-glamourous work for them, while my own projects fell behind.
Gain - Turns out, I learned a lot about the people and processes that were important for my project by working on someone else's project.
Lame - Stress Fracture. No Running. Sad face.
Gain - I've had tons more time and energy. I would normally be worrying about my Saturday long run on a Friday night, but instead was able to enjoy pizza and wine with some friends.
Lame - Did I just break my nose?? (again???)
Gain - But it was giving my little 8-year-old a cousin a kiss good night (and his forehead tried to help..). <3
What was your lame to gain this week?
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Three Things Thursday
Taking a cue from blogging/running/tweeting/hilarious/awesome friend Carly, I'm making this a Three Things Thursday. I'm thinking this will be Three-Things-I-did-today-because-I-couldn't-go-running Thursday.
1) I slept in (till 5:30am... ) and went right to the office. Had a working lunch, instead of a workout during lunch. And instead of working out from the end of my business day till traffic opens back up, I just kept on working. I MISS my runs, but I'm thankful it's been an intense productive period the past couple days at work, instead of lame and stressful. I haven't needed the running as stress relief like I did last week. (Fyi - therapy is dark chocolate and fast running. No claims on effectiveness, but it's rather amazing at bringing on the zen).
2) I'm usually in this very predictable routine of work-run-eat-sleep-repeat. The no running allowed this week has at least been good in giving me time to spend doing other things, such as a soup, salad, and wine dinner with my BFF Althea. Cheers to taking time to slow down and appreciate red wine, company, and conversation!
3) I wrote down a very, very simple prayer list at the beginning of this week. Literally, just a bullet list of 5 items. Not that I don't pray - although I'm not great lately about doing it consistently - but this no-running thing has finally brought me to my knees in prayer. I went back to my list today, and suddenly realized that God had been at work in each of those over the past several days. It's such a simple exercise, to keep a prayer journal. I've done it off and on over recent years. But I have not made it a consistent exercise to look back and purposely reflect on how He's answered my prayers.
Do you keep a prayer journal? How do you use it?
1) I slept in (till 5:30am... ) and went right to the office. Had a working lunch, instead of a workout during lunch. And instead of working out from the end of my business day till traffic opens back up, I just kept on working. I MISS my runs, but I'm thankful it's been an intense productive period the past couple days at work, instead of lame and stressful. I haven't needed the running as stress relief like I did last week. (Fyi - therapy is dark chocolate and fast running. No claims on effectiveness, but it's rather amazing at bringing on the zen).
2) I'm usually in this very predictable routine of work-run-eat-sleep-repeat. The no running allowed this week has at least been good in giving me time to spend doing other things, such as a soup, salad, and wine dinner with my BFF Althea. Cheers to taking time to slow down and appreciate red wine, company, and conversation!
3) I wrote down a very, very simple prayer list at the beginning of this week. Literally, just a bullet list of 5 items. Not that I don't pray - although I'm not great lately about doing it consistently - but this no-running thing has finally brought me to my knees in prayer. I went back to my list today, and suddenly realized that God had been at work in each of those over the past several days. It's such a simple exercise, to keep a prayer journal. I've done it off and on over recent years. But I have not made it a consistent exercise to look back and purposely reflect on how He's answered my prayers.
Do you keep a prayer journal? How do you use it?
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
(No) Running (Allowed) Update
It's been about a week since I first injured my foot. And I'm going crazy. Nutso. Insane. Three fries short of a happy meal. Bonkers. Wacko. (You get the idea).
I'm sad to say I don't really think it's getting better. Every time I think its on the mend, I have to remind myself how much tylenol I've just had. I can't even walk without limping. I confess to pretending I'm a doctor with a degree from google, especially when I read things like this:
I'm usually not the diagnose myself type. I was prepared to let this foot have some well earned rest for 7-10 days, and I confess I was expecting it to be much better by now. It's been 4 days of no running and limited walking. But maybe this internet diagnosis will get me back to Dr. Fleeter, who 'scoped my knee after a fall two years ago. (Turns out, he also specializes in sports and running injuries, and supports the local triathlon group).
Maybe most scary of all, I need to revisit my Marine Corps Marathon aspirations. After an intense training summer, my attitude towards running has shifted a little. I get wrapped up in the training and the goals, and I forget what a gift it is to be running and moving without the fear of my heart blowing up. This enforced break - short as it is already - has already reminded me that running's not a chore. I literally wake up and my body is already craving that freedom of movement, seeking that predictable meditative momentum of the trail.
I'm sad to say I don't really think it's getting better. Every time I think its on the mend, I have to remind myself how much tylenol I've just had. I can't even walk without limping. I confess to pretending I'm a doctor with a degree from google, especially when I read things like this:
What causes stress fractures?Here I was thinking my x-rays from my ER visit this weekend were relatively conclusive. Unbeknownst to me, they may not show anything for another week or so!
Over use! (check)
What are the symptoms of stress fractures?
Too much training, too soon without enough rest! (check, definitely the without enough rest part)
Overpronation (ehh, I pronate a little)
Oversupination
They are common in army recruits (often called a march fracture), runners, ballet dancers, and gymnasts. (double check)
Foot metatarsal pain which comes on gradually. (check)
Pain is located towards the mid/front of the foot. (check)
Pain is aggravated by weight bearing activities such as walking, running or dancing. (check, and #sadpanda)
Pain to touch the bone at the point it is broken. (Check. Hello third metatarsal!!)
Swelling is often present. (check, and it's gotten worse this week)
An X-ray will often not show the fracture until two or three weeks after it has started to heal. (uhh what???)
"Whatever you may be missing right now - a person, a place, a feeling, maybe you are injured and missing running - whatever it is, have peace and take heart - remember that any goodbye makes room for a hello." (Kristin Armstrong, Author and runner)
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Big H is for Hospital
Big H is for Hospital, and they know me oh-so-well here!
At this moment, I'm at Johns Hopkins, hooked up to an IV for a 3-hour infusion of life saving medicine into my body. This might sound dramatic, but I do it every 8 weeks to keep my immune system from eating itself. I have an auto-immune disease called Takayasu's arteritis. Basically, my immune system thinks my large and small arteries are bad, so it actively tries to destroy my large and small arteries. (That's bad, FYI.)
Without medicine, my blood pressure goes up as my arteries become inflamed. All this internal pressure leads to poor circulation throughout the body, less oxygen and nutrients circulating, and increased stress on the arteries. The decreased circulation means I heal super slow, more tired than the average 20-something, and am much more clumsy. Which is a great combo: I clumsily run into things, and then it takes forever to heal from the bruises I get! Under all that pressure, these arteries balloon out in places to attempt let the pressure out. This is how I got the (very life-threatening) aortic aneurysm. Or at least this is my 5¢ understanding and summary of the medical factors at play.
But thankfully, I have medicine! We (and by we I mean my team of doctors) usually have to tweak the medicinal cocktail from time to time to suppress my immune system. The heavy hitter is this infusion I'm getting now. Thank you Jesus for health insurance!! Without health insurance, this treatment would kill me - or at least my pocket book. This medicine is about $9,000 a treatment. At 6 times a year, this treatment alone would come to $54,000 annually. That's more than I make before you even take out taxes, and that's not including all my other medical treatments.
Aside from coming to the hospital every other month, I take a slew of medicine and supplements every morning:
So this is why when I get headaches I worry that I have a brain aneurysm. Or why when my heart starts to thump too hard I worry that it's exploding. Or why when I see a bump on my skin I think I've got cancer.
I'm not normal. But I like it that way. My health keeps me humble.
At this moment, I'm at Johns Hopkins, hooked up to an IV for a 3-hour infusion of life saving medicine into my body. This might sound dramatic, but I do it every 8 weeks to keep my immune system from eating itself. I have an auto-immune disease called Takayasu's arteritis. Basically, my immune system thinks my large and small arteries are bad, so it actively tries to destroy my large and small arteries. (That's bad, FYI.)
Without medicine, my blood pressure goes up as my arteries become inflamed. All this internal pressure leads to poor circulation throughout the body, less oxygen and nutrients circulating, and increased stress on the arteries. The decreased circulation means I heal super slow, more tired than the average 20-something, and am much more clumsy. Which is a great combo: I clumsily run into things, and then it takes forever to heal from the bruises I get! Under all that pressure, these arteries balloon out in places to attempt let the pressure out. This is how I got the (very life-threatening) aortic aneurysm. Or at least this is my 5¢ understanding and summary of the medical factors at play.
But thankfully, I have medicine! We (and by we I mean my team of doctors) usually have to tweak the medicinal cocktail from time to time to suppress my immune system. The heavy hitter is this infusion I'm getting now. Thank you Jesus for health insurance!! Without health insurance, this treatment would kill me - or at least my pocket book. This medicine is about $9,000 a treatment. At 6 times a year, this treatment alone would come to $54,000 annually. That's more than I make before you even take out taxes, and that's not including all my other medical treatments.
Aside from coming to the hospital every other month, I take a slew of medicine and supplements every morning:
- Coreg CR for blood pressure (ugh, and it's about $50 a month)
Prednisone for inflammation and immune suppression
Cellcept also for immune suppression
Asprin as a blood thinner and for pain
iron, folic acid, calcium, potassium (all the medicine drains these out of my system, so I have to actively replace them.)
2-3 Emergen-C packets a day to restore electrolytes. I've found out since this summer and spring this makes a HUGE difference in my lymphatic return (big word for circulating fluids throughout your system).
So this is why when I get headaches I worry that I have a brain aneurysm. Or why when my heart starts to thump too hard I worry that it's exploding. Or why when I see a bump on my skin I think I've got cancer.
I'm not normal. But I like it that way. My health keeps me humble.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Duh. Or D'oh?
My positive and determined outlook did not last as long as I'd hoped. I made it 4 hours (into my 12-hour work day) before melting down again. I'm not even sure now why I keep melting/breaking down. Maybe I got my expectations raised too high with this promotion - and I'm still being treated like the intern. I confess I yet again indulged in a fair amount of self pity. (Oddly enough, I am very productive when I am so pitiful!)
I went outside to run some lunchtime errands (and by run I mean walk, and by walk I mean limp). It was a pleasant dry brisk day outside...but at least the urge to run off through the hills was tempered every time I stepped with my left foot. Had some time to get away from my computer and think though. I was rattling my brain, "What can I do to fix this? What can I do to mend these relationships?"
Duh. I kept thinking "What can I do" - when I realized I can't do anything. I can't do anything but pray and let Him fix the situation, soften the hearts, open the doors.
I confess my prayer life has been abysmal of late. (And of late, I mean for at least the duration of the summer, and if I'm honest, probably about a year). I felt like a prayer superstar going into surgery last year. Now, I've somehow turned into a person who earns things, instead of remembering they're all freely given. I've turned into a person who relies on human conventions and distractions, and not a person who relies on prayer and hope.
How did I get here? How did I go from that emotional apex and physical trauma to an almost marathoner who's an emotional basketcase? That's probably a much longer post that I'm still figuring out. But I clearly need to be broken again to remember that I rely on God and not myself. Maybe this is the 'D'oh!' part: more brokenness to come.
Is it lame that I thought heart surgery was easier than this? Don't answer that.
I went outside to run some lunchtime errands (and by run I mean walk, and by walk I mean limp). It was a pleasant dry brisk day outside...but at least the urge to run off through the hills was tempered every time I stepped with my left foot. Had some time to get away from my computer and think though. I was rattling my brain, "What can I do to fix this? What can I do to mend these relationships?"
Duh. I kept thinking "What can I do" - when I realized I can't do anything. I can't do anything but pray and let Him fix the situation, soften the hearts, open the doors.
I confess my prayer life has been abysmal of late. (And of late, I mean for at least the duration of the summer, and if I'm honest, probably about a year). I felt like a prayer superstar going into surgery last year. Now, I've somehow turned into a person who earns things, instead of remembering they're all freely given. I've turned into a person who relies on human conventions and distractions, and not a person who relies on prayer and hope.
How did I get here? How did I go from that emotional apex and physical trauma to an almost marathoner who's an emotional basketcase? That's probably a much longer post that I'm still figuring out. But I clearly need to be broken again to remember that I rely on God and not myself. Maybe this is the 'D'oh!' part: more brokenness to come.
Is it lame that I thought heart surgery was easier than this? Don't answer that.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Thank you - even for the crappy stuff
I couldn't have had a worse week. Job felt like it was falling apart. My body felt like it was falling apart. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I was beyond frustrated and in general outraged at the perceived injustices I was facing and the unfairness of everything that had been steadily contributing to my growing misery.
I picked up "Mere Christianity" again Friday night, after a really, really, really lame totally awful, depressing, exhausting, soul-crushing day. I opened it up to the first chapter, "The Law of Human Nature." "Everyone has heard people quarreling... [Man] is appealing to some kind of standard of behaviour which he expects the other man to know about." Lewis, the author, goes on to explain how we quarrel over 'unfairness' or 'injustice' - we "try to show that the other man is in the wrong." He ends the first chapter with this direct conclusion: one, that humans everywhere have a concept of how they should behave; and two, that they do not in fact behave the way they think they should. Lewis, in the succeeding chapters, goes on to postulate that this universal sense of Right and Wrong is evidence of God.
Amidst my constant internal litany this week of how unfair work and life were, this first chapter seemed to sum it up. But even inside this awful week, it was evidence of God. No matter how much I had been avoiding Him lately, or felt that He had been avoiding me - He was right here the whole time.
I calmed down over the weekend - which strangely should not have happened. After injuring my foot this week, I attempted an 18-mile long run on Saturday morning anyway. This turned out to be a terrible idea for several reasons. One, between my left foot incapable of completing a toe-off while just walking, and my right knee incapable of going down the stairs, I was a complete mess and should have known better. Two, it was raining, windy, and below 50ยบ out. Three, I was still really upset and stressed, and in no shape to make sound decisions - like turning around in the first half mile.
But this ended up being an opportunity to spend some quality time with my mom, which we both sorely miss. Albeit, this quality time was spent in the ER making sure I didn't have a stress fracture, but it was oddly comforting quality time nonetheless. We've spent so many days in emergency rooms or hospitals and it reminded both of us of how we've supported each other in these situations over the years. Saturday, my foot issue seemed almost pedestrian in comparison (hahahaha foot issue.. pedestrian! Come on, funny, am I right??)
Sunday morning I went with my aunt to her church for the first time - and was totally surprised that I really liked it. I found myself caught on a prayer leading into the worship. "God, thank you for your gifts this week." It reminded me of a clip of Pauley Perrette - and how when she didn't know what else to pray, she'd pray "Forgive me for everything. Thank you for everything." It hit me like a truck - I should be thanking God for my crappy, awful week! Yes, I realize this doesn't make much sense. But clearly He's provided me lessons and opportunities this week. And for sure they were difficult, but equally were they important. I'm not even sure what all the lessons from this past week were, although I'll be continuing to face their consequences for much longer. But I've got to believe the pain I'm suffering now is to spare me from worse in the future. That by putting me through trials, He strengthens and teaches me. I pray that I'll learn.
I picked up "Mere Christianity" again Friday night, after a really, really, really lame totally awful, depressing, exhausting, soul-crushing day. I opened it up to the first chapter, "The Law of Human Nature." "Everyone has heard people quarreling... [Man] is appealing to some kind of standard of behaviour which he expects the other man to know about." Lewis, the author, goes on to explain how we quarrel over 'unfairness' or 'injustice' - we "try to show that the other man is in the wrong." He ends the first chapter with this direct conclusion: one, that humans everywhere have a concept of how they should behave; and two, that they do not in fact behave the way they think they should. Lewis, in the succeeding chapters, goes on to postulate that this universal sense of Right and Wrong is evidence of God.
Amidst my constant internal litany this week of how unfair work and life were, this first chapter seemed to sum it up. But even inside this awful week, it was evidence of God. No matter how much I had been avoiding Him lately, or felt that He had been avoiding me - He was right here the whole time.
I calmed down over the weekend - which strangely should not have happened. After injuring my foot this week, I attempted an 18-mile long run on Saturday morning anyway. This turned out to be a terrible idea for several reasons. One, between my left foot incapable of completing a toe-off while just walking, and my right knee incapable of going down the stairs, I was a complete mess and should have known better. Two, it was raining, windy, and below 50ยบ out. Three, I was still really upset and stressed, and in no shape to make sound decisions - like turning around in the first half mile.
But this ended up being an opportunity to spend some quality time with my mom, which we both sorely miss. Albeit, this quality time was spent in the ER making sure I didn't have a stress fracture, but it was oddly comforting quality time nonetheless. We've spent so many days in emergency rooms or hospitals and it reminded both of us of how we've supported each other in these situations over the years. Saturday, my foot issue seemed almost pedestrian in comparison (hahahaha foot issue.. pedestrian! Come on, funny, am I right??)
Sunday morning I went with my aunt to her church for the first time - and was totally surprised that I really liked it. I found myself caught on a prayer leading into the worship. "God, thank you for your gifts this week." It reminded me of a clip of Pauley Perrette - and how when she didn't know what else to pray, she'd pray "Forgive me for everything. Thank you for everything." It hit me like a truck - I should be thanking God for my crappy, awful week! Yes, I realize this doesn't make much sense. But clearly He's provided me lessons and opportunities this week. And for sure they were difficult, but equally were they important. I'm not even sure what all the lessons from this past week were, although I'll be continuing to face their consequences for much longer. But I've got to believe the pain I'm suffering now is to spare me from worse in the future. That by putting me through trials, He strengthens and teaches me. I pray that I'll learn.
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