The things you see

I knew these were coming. Those are the calls you get and the people you see that you see once, and then you see again and again in your head long after you've left them. You know these things are coming, but you don't know the hour or the place. You still bolt when you hear the tones drop and answer the call anyway.

This weekend riding the medic unit I saw my first major trauma. So much respect for the team that lets me ride with them, and blessed that I get to observe them do this. I'm also gratified that I've learned so much already that I can be useful to an extent. This call doesn't haunt me, but I'll absolutely remember my first trauma. (Ha, that I'm positive I can't describe here, Hippa).

But this shift, we got the unusual call right before shift change. And everything precedes uneventfully right up to the transport to the hospital and the driver and I cleaning the cot and the unit.

The medic unit from another station pulls up fast, doesn't take an ambulance lane, but lands right by the door. There's a small commotion going on, and Chilva, our driver, goes over to see if he can help. Out of the unit comes infant CPR in full progress, with a medic on the cot and a ton of people flowing out of the unit, carrying monitors, walking the mother into the ER. I watched Chilva help them with the monitor then shut out unit up and followed them in.
It was so strange. I felt so detached from this. It was a huge commotion, with easily a dozen nurses and staff ending up in the room, continuing CPR while others start attaching new monitors. I overheard one of the medics brief the nurses that the infant was in asystole since they had arrived.

I couldn't process a lot of this until several hours later. I recalled Chilva saying what a rough way to end or begin a shift.

I didn't know how to process what I had seen. At first, I remained very detached. Then I couldn't get over how it hadn't bothered me. That I should be thinking of that family. Then I couldn't stop thinking about the family. The image of the mom I had seen distraught, or the image of a cyanotic, small person lying so so still on a cot that was so much bigger than they were.

It's this call that I wasn't even on that I will remember. God help me if I ever forget. Maybe we're a special force of angels that are here to be His hands and feet, save His children when they find trouble. And when His angels can only deliver the children to their Father, they weep.

Riding Adventures and 12-Leads

I've been studying heart stuff all week.  I'm completely paranoid that my medical history of heart surgery, aortic regurge, and diastolic murmur is going to freak out whoever does my county physical next week.  So I started studying all this stuff obsessively to find out how bad it was.  Understanding the heart anatomy and mechanics.  Electrical functions and EKG interpretations.  How do we set up the limb leads?  The 12-lead? 

The good news was obsession mildly reassured me that my heart is not going to explode (I think I knew this already..) and that I should be able to talk my way through the physical when they find these things. 

But even better was seeing how this knowledge and studying pays off on a call.  My last shift at the station we received a call that warranted an EKG as part of our vitals assessment.  Set up the limb leads (white is not right, smoke over fire, clouds over grassy hill = left lower leg green lead, left arm white, right arm black, right leg red).  This gave us an initial picture, which I was able to read as a depressed ST segment.  This can be serious, potentially indicating ischemia to parts of the heart.  We quickly set up the 12-lead, and fortunately found a pace maker that caused the EKG abnormality. 

I'm thankful for the patient that this did not turn into a serious cardiac event.  I'm still processing the feeling that I could remember and execute what I learned this week, and see how this knowledge is important in treating a patient.  Quickly falling in love with this line of work.

I suck at updating blogs.

Title says it all.  Bad at this.  But even though it's totally creepy that things on the Internet never ever seem to be erased, I can find moments of my life that I shared here to remember.

Fortify Areas of Weakness

Three times tonight - I heard the exact same metaphor. That there is one string, that when tugged, will make everything unravel.

I heard it from my roommate. I heard it on two tv shows. Shows I arguably should not have been watching because my bible study group is doing a week of fasting - and I am fasting from tv. Because I have weak spots, and these weak spots have the ability to unravel my life. TV is something I'll go to in place of God, or friends, or to avoid important tasks.

When knitting, you really only have one string. When things start getting really complicated you throw a lot of colors or techniques in there. But it all just comes back simple loops guided by needles. And these tiny loops all add up to form a fabric. But if you miss just one of these, you have the potential to unwind your whole work to that point. Can you imagine how frustrating that it? You've been working on something particular for days, and upon completion you find out half of it needs redone. Only skilled, practiced knitters can fix these slips without letting it derail the whole project.

Life is often like that. Every little gap we find is an opportunity to either undo everything and go back several steps. Or, as we grow wiser, learn to fortify the gaps we find without letting it destroy what we've achieved so far. Or worse, ignore the need to fix it, and leave these areas wide open for anyone to tug at, and tear you down at any time.

People are People and Drama is for your Mama

It doesn't really matter where you are.  Work.  Home.  Church.  There's drama pretty much everywhere people are.

The thing is, people are unequivocally human.  By definition, that means we have flaws, secrets, and dark sides.  We're not perfect, and I think this is pretty well known.  Theoretically.

In fact we are so not perfect, we are really, really good at finding out just how much everyone is not perfect.  We love to talk about our imperfections.  Did I say ours?  I meant yours.

We all do it.  I can feel you resisting just a hair, denying this fact even as you read it.  But drama is something we love in our televisions and in our lives.  When we're hurt or something goes not quite how we had planned out for ourselves, we tend to lash out at others to an extent.  We're hurt, and this is how we have learned to cope.  Analytically, we seek to find out what went wrong and then "fix" it.

We are quick to focus on the faults of others, and this often leads to guilt, finger-pointing, and gossip.  But we lack compassion to see and care for their faults and flaws, instead ostracizing, creating walls, or "fixing" coworkers, family, friends, and churches.  We are quick to focus on others because we often lack the ability to see our own flaws.  Or because it's scary to really admit our own flaws.  Really scary.

"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you." Roman 12:3 

Paul says ever-so-politely: "you're full of crap sometimes."  Thinking of yourself more highly than you ought, or ignoring your own flaws and misgivings, is being less than honest with yourself.  And by extension, it's being less than honest with others, because they have to live with you, and they have to embrace you even as you place blame on them for what's not on track in your life.

But as you prepare to be brutally honest with yourself, remember grace.  You're forgiven for your sins if you've accepted Christ into your life, and confessed those flaws.  And as you realize you've been given grace in your life, work to extend that to others.  Just as you need it, your neighbor needs it.  Because none of us is perfect, but we can still all love one another despite our flaws.

"...according to the grace given us." Romans 12:6a

Psalm 119 - Daleth

 ד Daleth
 ²⁵ I am laid low in the dust;
   preserve my life according to your word.
²⁶ I recounted my ways and you answered me;
   teach me your decrees.
²⁷ Let me understand the teaching of your precepts;
   then I will meditate on your wonders.
²⁸ My soul is weary with sorrow;
   strengthen me according to your word.
²⁹ Keep me from deceitful ways;
   be gracious to me through your law.
³⁰ I have chosen the way of truth;
   I have set my heart on your laws.
³¹ I hold fast to your statutes, O LORD;
   do not let me be put to shame.
³² I run in the path of your commands,
   for you have set my heart free.

NIV 1984

This psalm resonates with my frailty and helplessness.  Every day, I face pain and the reality of my health.  I am laid low with the humbling fact that I am not invincible, at least not on my own. 

I always seem to come back to this psalm whenever I've hit a low and I have trouble turning back to God. 

I came back from my first visit with the foot doctor and got news that not only was my foot broken again, but I'd be unable to run the remainder of the spring.  Again, something that I loved was taken away from me.  I remember being very upset that night and wondering aloud to God why He had done this to me again.

Over the next several days, as I was forced to explain the foot cast back on my foot, I had many people tell me that maybe there was a reason for this.  One person in particular bluntly said that God was doing this intentionally to give me a message, even if neither of us knew what that message was.

Maybe that's the hardest part of this for me: I still don't know why.  "Let me understand the teaching of your precepts; then I will meditate on your wonders." I am laid low.  Have I not recounted my ways?  Is that why this understanding is still escaping me?

However I get there, I know I can only literally run again, when I run in the path of His commands.

Broken Again

For the second time, I've broken my foot from running. For someone who is constantly moving, I'm only allowed to swim right now (I swam this morning for the first time in YEARS). In six weeks, I can start cycling.  In 10 weeks, I might be able to start running.  Not training, but I'll be allowed to start lacing up and hitting a trail as long as I actually take it easy.

At this second break, I've heard from multiple people in multiple ways, "Don't you think God is trying to tell you something here?"

That was my thought that first night after seeing the doctor, reading the clear-as-day x-ray for myself.  I was angry and pretty upset that He'd take this away from me - again.  But I kept hearing it.  Okay, if there was a reason behind this, why then?  What is He trying to say?

I knew some reasons.  I haven't found a church home yet, and I've been struggling to find and commit to a church community.  I've been lackadaisical in my Bible reading.  Generally, it's like I just don't know what to say to Him.  It's as if I'm deaf.  I can see Him all around me, and He's especially visible to me on a quiet trail, but I can't hear anything He's saying to me.  I strain my ears for a hint of His voice, but nothing.

After a nice evening with long-lost and newly found friends, I might even think that there's more to it than even that. First, you should know that they're all amazing people and Christians.  Some had recently come back from long term missions work in Haiti, some were headed that way, and all were just a little nerdy (my kind of people).  This fellowship has been sorely missed and lacking in my life of late. 

Myself and my running have the focus of my life for so long, I almost don't know how to function without the time spent on the trail.  But I think I'm finally edging past the idea that running is always about longer, faster, harder.  I want to improve, yes, but even more so, I want to sustain this active lifestyle.  I want to find people to share this with.  It's not sustainable to be so constantly driven towards this goal of 'improving' to the exclusion of the rest of my life.  I think now I'm finally realizing not only do I need to find a balance physically so I don't keep getting injured, I need to find that balance in the other parts of my life.  I don't want to admit it, but maybe running has been what's been keeping me from finding a community.


"It's not about doing the things you love, it's about doing things with the ones you love."

(New) Balance

I had a great run today, made especially satisfying in relation to the tiring weekend of headaches & no sleep.

At the very end, as I'm walking on my cool down, I get a sudden sharp, but fleeting, pain in my foot, exactly what the stress fracture had felt like.

I think, "God, no!" and pray on the spot desperately to not have a broken foot again. Is this what I get for focusing in running? Is this such a bad thing? Have I not left enough room for God inbetween long runs and tempo workouts?

Tests of Patience

Today I made it to Harvest, a young adult service at McLean Presbyterian Church.  The message this evening was on patience, and the reading from Mark 14: 32-42.  Pastor James defined patience as being "long suffering;" but in the gospel of Mark, Jesus shows us patience without anger, and instead responds to the sleeping disciples with grace.  Pastor James had the congregation thinking of things that tested their patience - we said traffic, people at work, students in our classrooms.

Pastor James said that patience presents us with a challenge and an encouragement.  The challenge is we presume to know what His timetable his for us, and the plan He has laid out for us.  Or, we challenge His timetable, and try to take matters into our hands.  As we rebel against God's timetable, we rebel against God himself: we essentially want to make ourselves the center, and have God rotate around us.  The encouragement, however, is that God is eternally patient with us.  We don't need to see his examples of patience, we need to realize we are living through His patience with each of us, every day.

As the message went on, I reminded myself that patients need patience, something I posted on this time last year.  I have come a long way in a year, but having ongoing medical concerns is a constant test of patience.

And then someone had a seizure.

There was a noise, a fall, and the room went silent.  Then a rush of those clustered around the fallen person to try to render aid.  Fortunately, their medical seemed known to those around them.  But it was terribly silent, and everyone quickly realized we were powerless to do anything ourselves.  EMTs were called and came to take the person to the ER while the congregation prayed.  This seemed such a visceral lesson in patience.  We who could do nothing to aid but pray, sat and waited to hear that the person was okay.  And the person who had seized, I couldn't help but think they must be enormously tested with this ongoing condition - this condition that would even take them away from church and the support and community it provided.

These tests of patience remind us that we can only force our own timetables and plans on God so much, before He humbles us and makes us realize that we don't even control our own bodies, let alone our own plans.

Merry Christmas

After an exhausting season leading up to today, I confess to being focused on what to get for the kids and how much I have left to wrap instead of what this holiday is about and who is it for.

It's funny how you look at Christmas when you're younger. I described the day with immutable traditions, like breakfast with the family, opening stockings with chocolate, the family slowly unwrapping gifts one at a time. These traditions don't look the same as they did 20 years ago, but then again - what does?

I want to start a new tradition for myself, maybe one to share with my own family later: prayer.

To my aunt, I pray for you to have renewed health and spirit. I pray that you let God change the way you love and live, and let Him give you the energy to be the change you want to see in yourself and the world.

To my cousin, I pray for wholeness for you. I want you to be balanced in what you do, and include time for you to take care of yourself as well as others. I admire your focus on the things and people that are important to you, but I pray that you balance that focus with perspective.

Mom, I pray for you to be just as indestructible as you pretend you are. I want you to stick around as long as I do; I want you to continue to be blessed with a body that is free of the ailments that seem to plague the rest of us. I pray that we can grow closer together again in this next year. I pray that you achieve everything and more you have set your mind to do.

To my sister, I pray for you everyday. I don't know what else to give you that will be as effective as an answered prayer. I pray that you grow into a Godly, independent, successful woman who realizes that she is strong and powerful and should not be timid.

To my stepfather, I pray your heart softens. I pray that 'gentle' would be a word to describe you in any context.

"Christmas is not your birthday!"

The church I've been attending since the end of the summer mentioned this line, which the pastor has apparently said more than once: "Christmas is not YOUR birthday!"

I love this Christmas-birthday line for a few reasons. We tend to fall into the trap of treating Christmas like an all-out shopping glut. Savvy marketers are constantly telling us about the latest deals and why we can't possibly live without them. They reinforce a message of materialism and the need for stuff. Don't get me wrong, I don't think you shouldn't go buy your 8-year-old a toy for Christmas. But in our politically-correct environment, we never hear the same intensity for the message of our salvation through Christ that we hear for the message of a door-buster deal at 3am at Wal-Mart.

It's not OUR birthday, it's HIS birthday. We celebrate the birth of Christ, and through Him the birth of our own hope, love, faith, and peace. So I guess in a way it is our birthday, because we received these gifts through Him, unearned and undeserving. We celebrate Christmas by giving gifts to ones we love, but I challenge you to rethink your definition of a gift, and challenge you to broaden the scope of those you love. I challenge you to do something for someone who you don't know, who maybe didn't earn anything from you this year, who maybe doesn't deserve anything this year.

Maybe that's why I like the Christmas Carol: a undeserving, harsh man receives grace and a second chance for Christmas. Really, aren't we all the Scrooge? Take your second chance this Christmas.

Goals, part i

What do you do when you reach your goals?

You realize they weren't big enough.

----

I've been so focused on my short term goals and needs for myself that I have failed to find anything bigger to dream for.

Go to school.
Go to more school.
Go to school until you get enough degrees to get a job.
Get a job.
Get health insurance.
Have heart surgery.
Check, check, check, check, check, check.

Now what?

Still figuring that part out.

Another lesson I didn't want, but I'll take.

Do you have those people in your life, that you just can't be around? Come on, you know who I'm talking about. Maybe its a smelly guy who works at your gym. Maybe its a person who is always making excuses for not getting a job. Maybe its even someone closer to you than that: and you can't stand them. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't feel that way towards some people. More people than I care to admit.

Have you given up hope on them? Do you and the rest of your family, friends, or coworkers just assume nothing is ever going to change? Do you tend to pray or wish that you don't have to deal with them?

Ah. There we go.

It finally dawned on me this weekend that I've been failing to pray for these people. I had always been so focused on myself, and how these people made me miserable that I never could move beyond my own annoyance, frustration, or anger.

I find it oddly fitting, that after a week of focusing on 1 Thessalonians 5:15-18, that it's verse 14 that hit me over the head:

14 And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone.

I'll be honest. Praying for the people I don't like to be around is much much much harder than praying for people I really enjoy being around. In fact, I'm having a little trouble, but I found this verse to a good start. Verse 14 seems to be a call for us towards those people that bug us. Can you think of a person for each of these? Warn the idle. Encourage the disheartened. Help the weak. Be patient with everyone. Combine this with our command to be prayerful, joyful, and thankful, and it seems clear instructions on how we are to handle those people we just can't handle.

Attitude in Circumstances

My mom told me a sad story that happened to a coworker recently. My mom works in a hospital that is making some big organizational and management changes, and has shifted all levels of management and staff around. People who had been very used to the old workplace dynamics found themselves needing to adjust to the new personalities and organizational structure. One of the new staffers was working a shift with an original staffer, and some minor disagreement arose. New staffer went right to the now-also-new manager with her version of the event, and new manager immediately accused the original staffer of wrong doing. The new manager didn't step back to see the situation from both sides, and the problem quickly escalated beyond the original minor issue. HR and legal got involved, and the original staffer shortly quit - unwilling to work in such a hostile environment.

I thought about my mom's coworker as I found myself in the middle of a similar situation this week. I confess I get so stressed out at these things. Everything that went on in conversations seemed like personal attacks; maybe I just took it all personally. The only thing that calmed me down coming out of that meeting today was reading the passage below. It had been following me all week, but it took me walking through my own troubles to begin to understand it.

I Thessalonians 5:15-18

15 Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Paying back wrong for wrong is perhaps one of the biggest temptations that arise out of these situations. And yet when you find yourself backed into a corner, we are told to look out for the other party, even to do what is good for them.

I want to skip down to verse 18 for a second - what is the "this" he's talking about? I think part of what the author, Paul, is trying to tell us is that "this" is that situation where you're tempted to pay back wrong for wrong. "This" is both our troublesome situation, as well as our prayerful, thankful, rejoicing reaction to it. Meaning it both God's will that we go through these circumstances, and it is also His will that we react in a loving way to them.

Why should we??

Let me tell you about these circumstances - they have a greater and bigger purpose than we can ever see while we're still in the midst of them. The bible is full of passages that tell us and show us how troublesome circumstances are actually working for our benefit. James 1 for example:

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

What about Joseph who was sold by his own brothers into slavery, only to rise to great prominence in Egypt, enabling him to later save them and a nation? (Genesis 37:12 to 48) Or David, who fought Goliath, battled constantly against enemies, and then friends who became enemies - and then became the king of Israel? Or Jesus himself, crucified - but who is our Savior who sits in Heaven?

So the Bible is full of stories and passages that tell us how God uses our circumstances for a greater - and to us, unimaginable - purpose. What Paul tells us here in 1 Thessalonians is about our attitude as we go through these circumstances.

He calls us to be joyful, prayerful, and thankful.

Injured List Lessons Learned - part ii

I'm not ready to continue my "Runner's Stages of Grief" from yesterday yet, but I'm realizing I've got more lessons to learn.

I went through heart surgery just over 11 months ago. Besides the healing my body needed to do, I don't think I went through the emotional and spiritual healing I needed to do, too. I was completely in denial that I needed anything other than physical healing.

I wanted to share my story of literal heartbreak rebounding to run a marathon, but I came to the realization that I wanted this story shared for my own glory, not for God's.

I stopped seeing running as the glorious gift that it was. It became a distraction from my other problems. It became a justification for my other problems. It became all-consuming and painful. I did nothing in moderation, and convinced myself that if I could run, than all my other problems could be solved. I did not admit or consider that my problems could be solved without running, especially since they'd always been the answer before.

Now I find myself in the position of having running taken away from me again. But this time, I'm determined to learn a lesson from it that I did not before. I am not invincible. I am not patient. I still require all kinds of healing. I only practice moderation in moderation.

I need to stop running like there's no tomorrow, because I need to finally admit to myself that I will have a tomorrow. That my disease and poor health tend to limit my focus to my immediate needs - I don't think about how I'll be doing or living in 5 or 10 years. I need finally make goals that span that long and longer, and stop planning like I won't be around to achieve them. I need to trust in God that He'll provide my health for me down the road.

Injured List Lessons Learned - part i

It's been well over a week now of broken foot. I'm beginning to think that running injuries might follow something similar to the stages for grieving...

---

Step One: Denial.
"It's just a little ache! That's what the foam roller is for. Just a few more tylenol, sleep it off, you'll be fine for tomorrows long run."

Step Two: More Denial.
Saturday morning's long run rolls around and you can't walk to your shoes, let alone put them on. In this phase of full-blown denial, you complete the Saturday morning pre-run ritual in its entirety, limping all the while. It's not until you're on the trail, three miles away from your car, that you let the truth finally sink in: there's really something wrong here.

Step Three: The World Revolves Around ME!
Three miles away from your car, you're stuck on the trail - in the rain, wind, and cold - and you're weighing the options between taking an hour to limp back to the car, run as fast as you can through the pain because the weather out here stinks, or call your Mom and beg her to come pick you up. You eventually settle on a 50/50 and run track-pace miles in between limping pathetically. You call mom once you're back to the car anyway. "Mom, can you please cancel your Saturday plans? I'm a grown up now, but I'm acting like a three year old who was just told he can't have a puppy." You spin the ER trip as "quality time" and drag her there with you. When you arrive, you make sure you let everybody know that you're running a marathon at the end of the month.

Step Four: Whining.
"What do you mean no running for a week?! Maybe longer??" With a strict no-running rule (and the threat of further damage to your injury), you're disgusted at everyone enjoying running while you can't. Your previous running clubs, dailymile website, twitter - you're struggling unsuccessfully to resist the temptation to whine about how unfair and heartbreaking it is that you're not running your race. To everyone who inquires about your injury, you insist on reminding them that you were running a marathon. In fact, whenever anyone says anything that is REMOTELY related to a running activity (e.g., "nice weather!" or "I hear there's a sale at REI", "want to go camping?", or "Hi."), you begin monolog-ing on how you've got this heartbreaking running injury, and you can't do anything, whine, whine, whine...

Step Five: Bargaining.
Your race date is fast approaching. Will you still try? You worry about losing all that careful training you've painstakingly built over the past several months. Ok, you admit there's no way you're running it... but what if you walk it? Can you walk 26.2 miles in an aircast? Is there any reality in which that is a good idea? But this was going to be a big race for you! You fundraised for it! Maybe you should try anyway. But what if you make the problem worse? You contemplate the options while you've got an ice pack on your elevated broken foot.

Step Six: Dawning Realization.
With all of this new-found free time, you are inexplicably getting more sleep, are less tired, and have more time for other things that you remember you used to enjoy. You're slowly getting out of the habit of "I can't eat that, I'm going to run in an hour/tonight/tomorrow morning." You have lost the superpower of eating carbs on par with the national output of rice in China, but surprisingly you're not half-starved all the time either. You have time to read now?? And suddenly all that time with the foot immobile has turned into a pleasant excuse to read all afternoon. Instead of heading to the track or gym, you find yourself very satisfied at the prospect of dinner and beer/wine with friends.

---


I'll have to pause my Runner's Stages of Grief here, as this is about the step I'm on now. I suspect this stage might segue into paranoia (I'll never run again/miss more races/am dying, etc.) while I'm still hopeful and eagerly anticipating a glorious pain-free run in the future.

Have you been injured? What steps would you add?

Thankful for: Friday

There are always lame things that happened in your day or your week. Keeping these lame things from making you lame means not focusing on your problems, and refocusing on what you're thankful for. I had a lot of opportunity this week to continue my focus on how 'everything sucked'. Instead, what I was so upset about last week has turned out for my benefit this week. I'm going to keep this simple tonight, and just write on my lame/gain:

Lame - I was stuck working on somebody else's project all week, doing less-than-glamourous work for them, while my own projects fell behind.
Gain - Turns out, I learned a lot about the people and processes that were important for my project by working on someone else's project.

Lame - Stress Fracture. No Running. Sad face.
Gain - I've had tons more time and energy. I would normally be worrying about my Saturday long run on a Friday night, but instead was able to enjoy pizza and wine with some friends.

Lame - Did I just break my nose?? (again???)
Gain - But it was giving my little 8-year-old a cousin a kiss good night (and his forehead tried to help..). <3

What was your lame to gain this week?

Three Things Thursday

Taking a cue from blogging/running/tweeting/hilarious/awesome friend Carly, I'm making this a Three Things Thursday. I'm thinking this will be Three-Things-I-did-today-because-I-couldn't-go-running Thursday.

1) I slept in (till 5:30am... ) and went right to the office. Had a working lunch, instead of a workout during lunch. And instead of working out from the end of my business day till traffic opens back up, I just kept on working. I MISS my runs, but I'm thankful it's been an intense productive period the past couple days at work, instead of lame and stressful. I haven't needed the running as stress relief like I did last week. (Fyi - therapy is dark chocolate and fast running. No claims on effectiveness, but it's rather amazing at bringing on the zen).

2) I'm usually in this very predictable routine of work-run-eat-sleep-repeat. The no running allowed this week has at least been good in giving me time to spend doing other things, such as a soup, salad, and wine dinner with my BFF Althea. Cheers to taking time to slow down and appreciate red wine, company, and conversation!

3) I wrote down a very, very simple prayer list at the beginning of this week. Literally, just a bullet list of 5 items. Not that I don't pray - although I'm not great lately about doing it consistently - but this no-running thing has finally brought me to my knees in prayer. I went back to my list today, and suddenly realized that God had been at work in each of those over the past several days. It's such a simple exercise, to keep a prayer journal. I've done it off and on over recent years. But I have not made it a consistent exercise to look back and purposely reflect on how He's answered my prayers.

Do you keep a prayer journal? How do you use it?

(No) Running (Allowed) Update

It's been about a week since I first injured my foot. And I'm going crazy. Nutso. Insane. Three fries short of a happy meal. Bonkers. Wacko. (You get the idea).

I'm sad to say I don't really think it's getting better. Every time I think its on the mend, I have to remind myself how much tylenol I've just had. I can't even walk without limping. I confess to pretending I'm a doctor with a degree from google, especially when I read things like this:

What causes stress fractures?

• Over use! (check)
  
• Too much training, too soon without enough rest! (check, definitely the without enough rest part)
  
• Overpronation (ehh, I pronate a little)
  
• Oversupination
  
• They are common in army recruits (often called a march fracture), runners, ballet dancers, and gymnasts. (double check)
  

What are the symptoms of stress fractures?

• Foot metatarsal pain which comes on gradually. (check)
  
• Pain is located towards the mid/front of the foot. (check)
  
• Pain is aggravated by weight bearing activities such as walking, running or dancing. (check, and #sadpanda)
  
• Pain to touch the bone at the point it is broken. (Check. Hello third metatarsal!!)
  
• Swelling is often present. (check, and it's gotten worse this week)
  
• An X-ray will often not show the fracture until two or three weeks after it has started to heal. (uhh what???)
  

Here I was thinking my x-rays from my ER visit this weekend were relatively conclusive. Unbeknownst to me, they may not show anything for another week or so!

I'm usually not the diagnose myself type. I was prepared to let this foot have some well earned rest for 7-10 days, and I confess I was expecting it to be much better by now. It's been 4 days of no running and limited walking. But maybe this internet diagnosis will get me back to Dr. Fleeter, who 'scoped my knee after a fall two years ago. (Turns out, he also specializes in sports and running injuries, and supports the local triathlon group).

Maybe most scary of all, I need to revisit my Marine Corps Marathon aspirations. After an intense training summer, my attitude towards running has shifted a little. I get wrapped up in the training and the goals, and I forget what a gift it is to be running and moving without the fear of my heart blowing up. This enforced break - short as it is already - has already reminded me that running's not a chore. I literally wake up and my body is already craving that freedom of movement, seeking that predictable meditative momentum of the trail.

"Whatever you may be missing right now - a person, a place, a feeling, maybe you are injured and missing running - whatever it is, have peace and take heart - remember that any goodbye makes room for a hello." (Kristin Armstrong, Author and runner)

Big H is for Hospital

Big H is for Hospital, and they know me oh-so-well here!

At this moment, I'm at Johns Hopkins, hooked up to an IV for a 3-hour infusion of life saving medicine into my body. This might sound dramatic, but I do it every 8 weeks to keep my immune system from eating itself. I have an auto-immune disease called Takayasu's arteritis. Basically, my immune system thinks my large and small arteries are bad, so it actively tries to destroy my large and small arteries. (That's bad, FYI.)

Without medicine, my blood pressure goes up as my arteries become inflamed. All this internal pressure leads to poor circulation throughout the body, less oxygen and nutrients circulating, and increased stress on the arteries. The decreased circulation means I heal super slow, more tired than the average 20-something, and am much more clumsy. Which is a great combo: I clumsily run into things, and then it takes forever to heal from the bruises I get! Under all that pressure, these arteries balloon out in places to attempt let the pressure out. This is how I got the (very life-threatening) aortic aneurysm. Or at least this is my 5¢ understanding and summary of the medical factors at play.

But thankfully, I have medicine! We (and by we I mean my team of doctors) usually have to tweak the medicinal cocktail from time to time to suppress my immune system. The heavy hitter is this infusion I'm getting now. Thank you Jesus for health insurance!! Without health insurance, this treatment would kill me - or at least my pocket book. This medicine is about $9,000 a treatment. At 6 times a year, this treatment alone would come to $54,000 annually. That's more than I make before you even take out taxes, and that's not including all my other medical treatments.

Aside from coming to the hospital every other month, I take a slew of medicine and supplements every morning:

• Coreg CR for blood pressure (ugh, and it's about $50 a month)
  
• Prednisone for inflammation and immune suppression
  
• Cellcept also for immune suppression
  
• Asprin as a blood thinner and for pain
  
• iron, folic acid, calcium, potassium (all the medicine drains these out of my system, so I have to actively replace them.)
  
• 2-3 Emergen-C packets a day to restore electrolytes. I've found out since this summer and spring this makes a HUGE difference in my lymphatic return (big word for circulating fluids throughout your system).
  

So this is why when I get headaches I worry that I have a brain aneurysm. Or why when my heart starts to thump too hard I worry that it's exploding. Or why when I see a bump on my skin I think I've got cancer.

I'm not normal. But I like it that way. My health keeps me humble.