Giant bucket of fail...

Many people know of Jeremiah 29:11. It's one of those 'cross-stitch' verses that make it on to encouraging hallmark cards.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

And that is not to make light of this verse, because it is powerful and encouraging. But there is so much more to it:

Jeremiah 29:10-14
This is what the LORD says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.

I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Immediately before the verse where God says I have plans for you, he tells the Jewish people "When seventy years are completed for Babylon" - in otherwords, when you have been through your trials, and struggles, and life - "I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place." We often leave 29:10 out of our cross-stitch pillows, because somehow it makes 29:11 seem less encouraging. As if now we have to endure our trials, often the trials of our own making.

And I keep forgetting that. I neglect to make God the focus of my life, even more so when I feel overwhelmed with all the problems and responsibilities I've created for myself.

I came home at the end of the day yesterday. It had been a busy, long, tiring day, and I still felt like a giant bucket of fail for not getting everything done that I needed to. What I had gotten done was important and worthwhile - I was in jail that morning with our prison ministry team, I finished reading a textbook chapter, I spent time with my family, including some important and long-missed one-on-one time with my cousin. And I left my poor mother standing at the end of the driveway, saying goodbye to me, seeing me angry, tired, and frustrated. I still had not written a paper that was due for class on Wednesday (last week). I still had not read the remaining chapters, taken a quiz, or done the homework for my other class. So even at the end of what was a great day, I was angry and disappointed, and had no one to blame but myself.

Amidst this disappointment and self-loathing, I read the above verses from Jeremiah. "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." And I realize I haven't been seeking Him first. And that's why I feel so estranged from Him lately. I've been so wrapped up in seeking to take care of myself first. I haven't been whole-hearted in my pursuit. Instead I try to schedule him in my calendar between work, school, and running, and I do so poorly.

Ryan Hall tweeted these verses from Proverbs 1 this morning:
33 But all who listen to me will live in peace,
untroubled by fear of harm.” (NLT)

The rest of it in NIV is
Proverbs 1:32-33
32 For the waywardness of the simple will kill them,
and the complacency of fools will destroy them;
33 but whoever listens to me will live in safety
and be at ease, without fear of harm.”

I so desperately want that peace. I seek to be untroubled by fear of harm. But I am wayward, and I seek to please myself, to keep myself from harm, before I seek His face.

I run recklessly into adventure, without concern for anything else except that blinding joy of movement. I did this without concern for my heart blowing up, I still run recklessly without concern for my health, without concern for my schedule or other obligations. I put this blinding joy first. I pray that as recklessly as I do this, that I would be just as reckless with putting Him first, and I would do so without regard to my safety, health, schedule, but just be all-consumed by that blinding joy of running towards His face.