Sunday, April 15, 2012
Psalm 119 - Daleth
ד Daleth
25 I am laid low in the dust;
preserve my life according to your word.
26 I recounted my ways and you answered me;
teach me your decrees.
27 Let me understand the teaching of your precepts;
then I will meditate on your wonders.
28 My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.
29 Keep me from deceitful ways;
be gracious to me through your law.
30 I have chosen the way of truth;
I have set my heart on your laws.
31 I hold fast to your statutes, O LORD;
do not let me be put to shame.
32 I run in the path of your commands,
for you have set my heart free.
NIV 1984
This psalm resonates with my frailty and helplessness. Every day, I face pain and the reality of my health. I am laid low with the humbling fact that I am not invincible, at least not on my own.
I always seem to come back to this psalm whenever I've hit a low and I have trouble turning back to God.
I came back from my first visit with the foot doctor and got news that not only was my foot broken again, but I'd be unable to run the remainder of the spring. Again, something that I loved was taken away from me. I remember being very upset that night and wondering aloud to God why He had done this to me again.
Over the next several days, as I was forced to explain the foot cast back on my foot, I had many people tell me that maybe there was a reason for this. One person in particular bluntly said that God was doing this intentionally to give me a message, even if neither of us knew what that message was.
Maybe that's the hardest part of this for me: I still don't know why. "Let me understand the teaching of your precepts; then I will meditate on your wonders." I am laid low. Have I not recounted my ways? Is that why this understanding is still escaping me?
However I get there, I know I can only literally run again, when I run in the path of His commands.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Broken Again
For the second time, I've broken my foot from running. For someone who is constantly moving, I'm only allowed to swim right now (I swam this morning for the first time in YEARS). In six weeks, I can start cycling. In 10 weeks, I might be able to start running. Not training, but I'll be allowed to start lacing up and hitting a trail as long as I actually take it easy.
At this second break, I've heard from multiple people in multiple ways, "Don't you think God is trying to tell you something here?"
That was my thought that first night after seeing the doctor, reading the clear-as-day x-ray for myself. I was angry and pretty upset that He'd take this away from me - again. But I kept hearing it. Okay, if there was a reason behind this, why then? What is He trying to say?
I knew some reasons. I haven't found a church home yet, and I've been struggling to find and commit to a church community. I've been lackadaisical in my Bible reading. Generally, it's like I just don't know what to say to Him. It's as if I'm deaf. I can see Him all around me, and He's especially visible to me on a quiet trail, but I can't hear anything He's saying to me. I strain my ears for a hint of His voice, but nothing.
After a nice evening with long-lost and newly found friends, I might even think that there's more to it than even that. First, you should know that they're all amazing people and Christians. Some had recently come back from long term missions work in Haiti, some were headed that way, and all were just a little nerdy (my kind of people). This fellowship has been sorely missed and lacking in my life of late.
Myself and my running have the focus of my life for so long, I almost don't know how to function without the time spent on the trail. But I think I'm finally edging past the idea that running is always about longer, faster, harder. I want to improve, yes, but even more so, I want to sustain this active lifestyle. I want to find people to share this with. It's not sustainable to be so constantly driven towards this goal of 'improving' to the exclusion of the rest of my life. I think now I'm finally realizing not only do I need to find a balance physically so I don't keep getting injured, I need to find that balance in the other parts of my life. I don't want to admit it, but maybe running has been what's been keeping me from finding a community.
"It's not about doing the things you love, it's about doing things with the ones you love."
At this second break, I've heard from multiple people in multiple ways, "Don't you think God is trying to tell you something here?"
That was my thought that first night after seeing the doctor, reading the clear-as-day x-ray for myself. I was angry and pretty upset that He'd take this away from me - again. But I kept hearing it. Okay, if there was a reason behind this, why then? What is He trying to say?
I knew some reasons. I haven't found a church home yet, and I've been struggling to find and commit to a church community. I've been lackadaisical in my Bible reading. Generally, it's like I just don't know what to say to Him. It's as if I'm deaf. I can see Him all around me, and He's especially visible to me on a quiet trail, but I can't hear anything He's saying to me. I strain my ears for a hint of His voice, but nothing.
After a nice evening with long-lost and newly found friends, I might even think that there's more to it than even that. First, you should know that they're all amazing people and Christians. Some had recently come back from long term missions work in Haiti, some were headed that way, and all were just a little nerdy (my kind of people). This fellowship has been sorely missed and lacking in my life of late.
Myself and my running have the focus of my life for so long, I almost don't know how to function without the time spent on the trail. But I think I'm finally edging past the idea that running is always about longer, faster, harder. I want to improve, yes, but even more so, I want to sustain this active lifestyle. I want to find people to share this with. It's not sustainable to be so constantly driven towards this goal of 'improving' to the exclusion of the rest of my life. I think now I'm finally realizing not only do I need to find a balance physically so I don't keep getting injured, I need to find that balance in the other parts of my life. I don't want to admit it, but maybe running has been what's been keeping me from finding a community.
"It's not about doing the things you love, it's about doing things with the ones you love."
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
(New) Balance
I had a great run today, made especially satisfying in relation to the tiring weekend of headaches & no sleep.
At the very end, as I'm walking on my cool down, I get a sudden sharp, but fleeting, pain in my foot, exactly what the stress fracture had felt like.
I think, "God, no!" and pray on the spot desperately to not have a broken foot again. Is this what I get for focusing in running? Is this such a bad thing? Have I not left enough room for God inbetween long runs and tempo workouts?
At the very end, as I'm walking on my cool down, I get a sudden sharp, but fleeting, pain in my foot, exactly what the stress fracture had felt like.
I think, "God, no!" and pray on the spot desperately to not have a broken foot again. Is this what I get for focusing in running? Is this such a bad thing? Have I not left enough room for God inbetween long runs and tempo workouts?
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Tests of Patience
Today I made it to Harvest, a young adult service at McLean Presbyterian Church. The message this evening was on patience, and the reading from Mark 14: 32-42. Pastor James defined patience as being "long suffering;" but in the gospel of Mark, Jesus shows us patience without anger, and instead responds to the sleeping disciples with grace. Pastor James had the congregation thinking of things that tested their patience - we said traffic, people at work, students in our classrooms.
Pastor James said that patience presents us with a challenge and an encouragement. The challenge is we presume to know what His timetable his for us, and the plan He has laid out for us. Or, we challenge His timetable, and try to take matters into our hands. As we rebel against God's timetable, we rebel against God himself: we essentially want to make ourselves the center, and have God rotate around us. The encouragement, however, is that God is eternally patient with us. We don't need to see his examples of patience, we need to realize we are living through His patience with each of us, every day.
As the message went on, I reminded myself that patients need patience, something I posted on this time last year. I have come a long way in a year, but having ongoing medical concerns is a constant test of patience.
And then someone had a seizure.
There was a noise, a fall, and the room went silent. Then a rush of those clustered around the fallen person to try to render aid. Fortunately, their medical seemed known to those around them. But it was terribly silent, and everyone quickly realized we were powerless to do anything ourselves. EMTs were called and came to take the person to the ER while the congregation prayed. This seemed such a visceral lesson in patience. We who could do nothing to aid but pray, sat and waited to hear that the person was okay. And the person who had seized, I couldn't help but think they must be enormously tested with this ongoing condition - this condition that would even take them away from church and the support and community it provided.
These tests of patience remind us that we can only force our own timetables and plans on God so much, before He humbles us and makes us realize that we don't even control our own bodies, let alone our own plans.
Pastor James said that patience presents us with a challenge and an encouragement. The challenge is we presume to know what His timetable his for us, and the plan He has laid out for us. Or, we challenge His timetable, and try to take matters into our hands. As we rebel against God's timetable, we rebel against God himself: we essentially want to make ourselves the center, and have God rotate around us. The encouragement, however, is that God is eternally patient with us. We don't need to see his examples of patience, we need to realize we are living through His patience with each of us, every day.
As the message went on, I reminded myself that patients need patience, something I posted on this time last year. I have come a long way in a year, but having ongoing medical concerns is a constant test of patience.
And then someone had a seizure.
There was a noise, a fall, and the room went silent. Then a rush of those clustered around the fallen person to try to render aid. Fortunately, their medical seemed known to those around them. But it was terribly silent, and everyone quickly realized we were powerless to do anything ourselves. EMTs were called and came to take the person to the ER while the congregation prayed. This seemed such a visceral lesson in patience. We who could do nothing to aid but pray, sat and waited to hear that the person was okay. And the person who had seized, I couldn't help but think they must be enormously tested with this ongoing condition - this condition that would even take them away from church and the support and community it provided.
These tests of patience remind us that we can only force our own timetables and plans on God so much, before He humbles us and makes us realize that we don't even control our own bodies, let alone our own plans.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Merry Christmas
After an exhausting season leading up to today, I confess to being focused on what to get for the kids and how much I have left to wrap instead of what this holiday is about and who is it for.
It's funny how you look at Christmas when you're younger. I described the day with immutable traditions, like breakfast with the family, opening stockings with chocolate, the family slowly unwrapping gifts one at a time. These traditions don't look the same as they did 20 years ago, but then again - what does?
I want to start a new tradition for myself, maybe one to share with my own family later: prayer.
To my aunt, I pray for you to have renewed health and spirit. I pray that you let God change the way you love and live, and let Him give you the energy to be the change you want to see in yourself and the world.
To my cousin, I pray for wholeness for you. I want you to be balanced in what you do, and include time for you to take care of yourself as well as others. I admire your focus on the things and people that are important to you, but I pray that you balance that focus with perspective.
Mom, I pray for you to be just as indestructible as you pretend you are. I want you to stick around as long as I do; I want you to continue to be blessed with a body that is free of the ailments that seem to plague the rest of us. I pray that we can grow closer together again in this next year. I pray that you achieve everything and more you have set your mind to do.
To my sister, I pray for you everyday. I don't know what else to give you that will be as effective as an answered prayer. I pray that you grow into a Godly, independent, successful woman who realizes that she is strong and powerful and should not be timid.
To my stepfather, I pray your heart softens. I pray that 'gentle' would be a word to describe you in any context.
It's funny how you look at Christmas when you're younger. I described the day with immutable traditions, like breakfast with the family, opening stockings with chocolate, the family slowly unwrapping gifts one at a time. These traditions don't look the same as they did 20 years ago, but then again - what does?
I want to start a new tradition for myself, maybe one to share with my own family later: prayer.
To my aunt, I pray for you to have renewed health and spirit. I pray that you let God change the way you love and live, and let Him give you the energy to be the change you want to see in yourself and the world.
To my cousin, I pray for wholeness for you. I want you to be balanced in what you do, and include time for you to take care of yourself as well as others. I admire your focus on the things and people that are important to you, but I pray that you balance that focus with perspective.
Mom, I pray for you to be just as indestructible as you pretend you are. I want you to stick around as long as I do; I want you to continue to be blessed with a body that is free of the ailments that seem to plague the rest of us. I pray that we can grow closer together again in this next year. I pray that you achieve everything and more you have set your mind to do.
To my sister, I pray for you everyday. I don't know what else to give you that will be as effective as an answered prayer. I pray that you grow into a Godly, independent, successful woman who realizes that she is strong and powerful and should not be timid.
To my stepfather, I pray your heart softens. I pray that 'gentle' would be a word to describe you in any context.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
"Christmas is not your birthday!"
The church I've been attending since the end of the summer mentioned this line, which the pastor has apparently said more than once: "Christmas is not YOUR birthday!"
I love this Christmas-birthday line for a few reasons. We tend to fall into the trap of treating Christmas like an all-out shopping glut. Savvy marketers are constantly telling us about the latest deals and why we can't possibly live without them. They reinforce a message of materialism and the need for stuff. Don't get me wrong, I don't think you shouldn't go buy your 8-year-old a toy for Christmas. But in our politically-correct environment, we never hear the same intensity for the message of our salvation through Christ that we hear for the message of a door-buster deal at 3am at Wal-Mart.
It's not OUR birthday, it's HIS birthday. We celebrate the birth of Christ, and through Him the birth of our own hope, love, faith, and peace. So I guess in a way it is our birthday, because we received these gifts through Him, unearned and undeserving. We celebrate Christmas by giving gifts to ones we love, but I challenge you to rethink your definition of a gift, and challenge you to broaden the scope of those you love. I challenge you to do something for someone who you don't know, who maybe didn't earn anything from you this year, who maybe doesn't deserve anything this year.
Maybe that's why I like the Christmas Carol: a undeserving, harsh man receives grace and a second chance for Christmas. Really, aren't we all the Scrooge? Take your second chance this Christmas.
I love this Christmas-birthday line for a few reasons. We tend to fall into the trap of treating Christmas like an all-out shopping glut. Savvy marketers are constantly telling us about the latest deals and why we can't possibly live without them. They reinforce a message of materialism and the need for stuff. Don't get me wrong, I don't think you shouldn't go buy your 8-year-old a toy for Christmas. But in our politically-correct environment, we never hear the same intensity for the message of our salvation through Christ that we hear for the message of a door-buster deal at 3am at Wal-Mart.
It's not OUR birthday, it's HIS birthday. We celebrate the birth of Christ, and through Him the birth of our own hope, love, faith, and peace. So I guess in a way it is our birthday, because we received these gifts through Him, unearned and undeserving. We celebrate Christmas by giving gifts to ones we love, but I challenge you to rethink your definition of a gift, and challenge you to broaden the scope of those you love. I challenge you to do something for someone who you don't know, who maybe didn't earn anything from you this year, who maybe doesn't deserve anything this year.
Maybe that's why I like the Christmas Carol: a undeserving, harsh man receives grace and a second chance for Christmas. Really, aren't we all the Scrooge? Take your second chance this Christmas.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Goals, part i
What do you do when you reach your goals?
You realize they weren't big enough.
----
I've been so focused on my short term goals and needs for myself that I have failed to find anything bigger to dream for.
Go to school.
Go to more school.
Go to school until you get enough degrees to get a job.
Get a job.
Get health insurance.
Have heart surgery.
Check, check, check, check, check, check.
Now what?
Still figuring that part out.
You realize they weren't big enough.
----
I've been so focused on my short term goals and needs for myself that I have failed to find anything bigger to dream for.
Go to school.
Go to more school.
Go to school until you get enough degrees to get a job.
Get a job.
Get health insurance.
Have heart surgery.
Check, check, check, check, check, check.
Now what?
Still figuring that part out.
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